[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The Others (2001)
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.