There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
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Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies