I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
There are no pants in heaven.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?