I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
You wish you had this many chins.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.