It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.