Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
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This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”