Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.