After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
…u ok Nintendo?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably