my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Ha
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?