i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Breakfast for Stoners:
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Incredible customer service.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?