IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza