How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?