[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
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Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.