Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
the #horror is real!
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
How dramatic are you?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Morning my dudes.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night