My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
? 💀
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.