Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I have questions??
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
oh shit
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue