SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
You Might Also Like
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
…żyje?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour