One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.