A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
best first i’ve ever seen
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir