My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
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Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”