Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*