I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out