”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.