Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
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Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.