DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.