People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
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[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Waiting for the Charmin
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.