My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.