Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds