Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My dog learned how to text
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”