I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
*limbos under the caution tape
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.