This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.