I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
this is the news I live for
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome