My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Nice try Hitler
FINE, I WON’T.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.