My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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i will not be silenced
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Danger is very dangerous
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.