Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*