Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”