Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!