Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.