the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together