IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
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Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.