I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Trumpy Cat
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.