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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.