I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.