A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
it was a valiant fight
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu