My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?