Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
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This will never not be funny to me.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Matt Goss
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Wednesday
Life cycle of cat
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
If snakes were wide
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.