I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done