Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day