Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
You Might Also Like
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Still a very good boi….
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.