“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.